Raw Writing Sunday 17

No prompt, wrote this when I couldn't sleep

I have a memory from grade five that holds emotionally negative over-couplings for me. An over-coupling is like an equation that our body and mind make when we are trying to make sense of the world. An event (singular or chronic) becomes equated with a meaning and a belief about ourselves.

When we identify where things have become tangled up emotionally, we can start to untangle them. This helps us separate the old meanings we’ve attached to certain experiences and gives us more freedom to choose how we respond moving forward.

Since I’ve been studying and working with somatics, I’ve uncovered many of these meaning equations in myself. Many result from early developmental trauma. The raw piece I’m sharing today is inspired by one such equation I’ve uncovered: that sharing my creative writing is not safe.

It’s a fictional piece but it captures the emotions I often felt when I wanted to share my creative writing with others. It’s still not something I am fully comfortable with, but I’ve made progress. The post on how trauma impacts creativity I wrote earlier this week explains why this meaning equation was created in my body.

“Gran, do you have more stories that you’ve written?”
“No, darling, I don’t. Well, in my head I do, but not on paper. Not like this one.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve not been brave enough to write since-”
“Since when, Gran?”
“Since someone told me that my stories were stupid.”
“Who told you that? This story’s not stupid! It’s funny and sweet. It made me smile. I think it would make a lot of people smile.”
“Thank you, darling.”
“So? Who told you that?”
“It was a long time ago.”
“You don’t remember, do you?”
“Oh, I do. I didn’t think I would ever forget. It was someone who was supposed to love me and protect me and always be there for me. But he didn’t know how. He ran away, you see, and my creative heart shut down after that.”
“But that’s awful, Gran! Who would do that?”
“The man who was my father.”
“He said that? Your father?”
“Don’t cry, love. You’ve helped me heal and open my creative heart again. Because you love my story.”
“I do love it! Can I read it again?”
“Of course, darling.”

When you consider your own pieces of creative writing, how much do you think your own experiences and inner meaning equations influence it?

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